26 has never looked better

As I sit here, typing this blog post, I cannot help but smile at how my life has played out.

It took me 5 years to get my first degree. I applied for a Case Manager position that I thought I would LOVE. I didn't get it. I took a year off, working at a restaurant, hating my life. I decided to go back to school for another degree. This time hoping that it would all work out.

Thankfully, that degree has, and will continue to, work out! Going back to school, I spent another 2 years in school going after a Human Development and Family Studies degree.  I always knew that I wanted to work with kids. And as I got older and saw how many places there are to work with kids, I was feeling overwhelmed. I knew that there was one place that I wanted to look at for my internship. I was there for two days before choosing to go elsewhere. It just wasn't me. It wasn't a good fit. I didn't feel... fulfilled enough.

As I drive to class and work, I hear this ad on the radio. Day after day. On my first day of classes and my internship, I'm sitting on campus calling this place, asking if they do internships. I come in the next day for an interview and was offered the internship. I start the following day.

Since that day, my life has been changed.. Extremely for the better. What started off as an unpaid internship, quickly turned into a paid one. Which quickly turned into more opportunities. Which turned into a job.

Yes, you read that right. A JOB!

Two degrees. Seven years later. Many failed job interviews. And here I am. At a job that I can find purpose in. A job that I can't wait to go to work. A job that I enjoy doing and can see myself doing for years to come.


When I was younger, my parents fostered several children. And ever since then, they have put a bug into my head and my heart that this is exactly what I want to do and be apart of. I always said that I wanted to foster, and then potentially adopt, but I never imagined this is where my life would lead.

Being at my job now has changed my life. For the better. I want to find families their forevers. And I want to help children find their forevers. This is my life. This is happiness. This is what I was meant to do.

Two can play that game

Recently, I was accused of a few things.. I have harbored my anger, and I am going to express it the one way I know best: by writing.

To start off, let me explain to you what I was accused of. I was accused of hating God, being a drunk, being a partier, and having a reputation--meaning that I have a lot of boyfriends.
So let's explore those things, shall we?

I am not sure what the definition of a partier is. I can count on one hand the number of times that I went to an underage party in high school; it really wasn't my thing and I really didn't enjoy it and that is a lot less than others my age. After turning 21, I went through the "typical" drinking stage. I did that for about 2 months, then realized it was expensive and I disliked it. Mind you, I am 25 now, so if I want a drink, I am allowed one. I don't go out often now, because when I do go out, I go out to get drunk, because otherwise it's a waste of money. And even then, I usually regret it the next day. I'd rather stay at home, in my pajamas, having a glass of wine. And if that's wrong, I don't want to be right.

My reputation is something that baffles my mind. Before the current significant other, I was with a guy for 4 months total, and before that I was with a guy for 2.5 years.. So really, for the past 3 years, I haven't really had boyfriends. Have I dated? HELL YEAH! I was a single, young person. Again, if that is wrong, I don't want to be right. I believe that every person has the right to go out on dates as often as they see fit. Who is anyone to judge?

The last part really gets me. I am being accused of these things by "Christians." I am putting that in quotes because these are people that state constantly that they don't care where people come from, they only care where they are going--meaning heaven. Let me get one thing straight.. If YOUR God, is as judgmental as you are, I don't want to believe in Him. So while I don't believe in YOUR God, I do believe in my own. One who is kind, does things for others, stands up for what they believe in, and does NOT judge others for the choices that they make in their lives. If that's not your God, then count me out. If that means I won't be in Heaven, then so be it; I don't want to be surrounded for the rest of eternity by people who can't accept others for who they are and for the choices they make.

While I have been angry about this, I am going to do my own thing and forgive. You don't know me. You don't know me life. Do not throw stones when you live in a glass house. Instead of judging my life and my choices, maybe take a look at your own inner circle before you start throwing rocks my way.

I am a kind person. I go above and beyond for others. I would give the shirt off my back, even to my most hated enemy. I donate my time and my money to certain causes. I am an ear to anyone who needs it. I stand up for what I believe in. If you can't accept me for who I am, do not judge my life, do not talk bad about me, and do not pretend to care how I am (because you really don't care--nor would I want you to).

While I could sit here and just bash every little thing that has been done, I am going to go another route. The other day, I was in an argument with my significant other, and instead of just being angry all night, I pulled out my bible and looked up verses to send him. And that's what I felt compelled to do tonight; coincidentally, it is the same bible I received from the people talking poorly about myself.

I decided to flip to the end to the concordances and look up the word "hate". Immediately I found a verse that spoke to me. It is Leviticus 19:17 and it reads "You shall not hate your brother in your heart. You shall surely rebuke your neighbor, and not bear sin because of him." The following verse continues with saying that "You shall not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the children of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the Lord".

Not only does that verse speak to me about those speaking poorly about myself, but it also spoke to me personally. While they should not hate me in their heart, and they should not disapprove or criticize me because of my behavior or my actions and they should not commit sin because of me, the verse also tells me that I shouldn't bear a grudge against them and should love them as I love myself.

My bible does this cool thing where it explains all the verses a bit more. This verse was then said that hating your brother in your heart was addressed by Jesus in a sermon on the mount, which was in Matthew 5:21-24. This verse states, " You have heard that it was said to those of old, 'You shall not murder, and whoever murders will be in danger of the judgment.' But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment. And whoever says to his brother, 'Raca!' shall be in danger of the council. But whoever says, 'You fool!' shall be in danger of hell fire. Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift."

While I am sure that there are many ways to interrupt the bible, I took that verse as saying that if you judge a person without just cause, you are in danger of your own judgment day. Instead, you should goo, make amends, and come back. I believe there is a popular saying that goes along with this verse: Only God can judge me.

While I don't ever expect anyone to understand and agree with my life choices 100%, I do expect others to respect me enough to allow me to make whatever choice I see fit, and not talk poorly about me, my character or my choices and the outcomes of them. And if people continue to do so, I have no problem no longer associating myself with people like that. I do not judge, so I do not want judged back.

GYM, DO WORK OR GET OUT

No introduction needed...Let's go..

As I sit here in the gym, an hour and forty minutes after it opened, with the first person here today, I am thinking about the last few years of my life and how the gym has shaped me.

Yeah, I know. How weird is it that a place changed me? Well, it has.

I was never a person to do things in a place with people I don't know. I was never a person to go to a place alone. Now, mix the two? You have a recipe for disaster.

But not anymore. I go to the gym often. I 99% of the time go alone. However, I have made friends doing this. I laugh, I joke, I cheer on those around me. Why? Because this is my safe haven. I like it in the gym.

It has taught me that it is okay to be alone. It has taught me that it is okay to push yourself and be your biggest cheerleader. And it has taught me that it is okay to fail.

Let's talk about failure. Leg day. That is everyone's least favorite day. I don't mind it; I hate them all equally. (Hahahahaha.) But leg day is the day where most people do squats and see how much they can do. The one day I did squats at the rack with a guy that I have met in the gym, I started off as a timid person. I was like, "I can do about 80 pounds, that's it." The bar alone weighs 45 pounds. I got up to 125 before I had to quit, and I bet had I started higher, I would have been able to up my weight more than 125. Why? Because I choose to start out weak, and think less of myself.

The point is, is that you need to think better of yourself. If you think you can only do 80 pounds, push yourself and go for 100. I can do 125, so that is where I will start from now on- except for today because I skipped weight lifting for a few weeks.

I was doing these squats with a guy who's name I still don't know.. Afraid to fail or look like an idiot. But did that matter? Nope. Did it matter to him? NOPE! He was there to make sure I was safe, and made sure I pushed myself. Did I fail? You better believe your ass I did.. I was trying to do reps of 5 of 125, and made it to 4 when I couldn't get back up. And you know what? That was okay. It was okay that I couldn't left the weight back up! Because I pushed myself, I tried harder than I ever have before.

So it's simple. Find something you love, and let it shape you. Let it change you for the better..

What a world, what a world, what a world...

So i have been mulling over whether or not I do this post, mostly because I am not sure that I am 100% able to talk about it. But I am about to give it a go! So leggo, boo!

Dating with anxiety is honestly the hardest thing EVER. Don't believe me? I didn't think that you would, unless you can relate.

It is a constant battle of whether or not you are good enough both physically and mentally, and then add your emotions in there, you are SCREWED! It is the hardest thing ever.

One second, we could be making plans to hang out, even if it is that day or for a few days from the date of talking, and then the next second it could be over. Just. Like. That.

If I sense even a tiny, tiny bit of anything but assurance, I am out of there. If I feel for one second you don't want to see me or spend time with me, I will find any excuse that I can to not hang out with you. I don't care if you just told me that you want to see me, tell me again, and then tell me 50 more times until we hang out.

In my mind, I am always thinking the worse. What if I am not tall enough, thin enough, pretty enough, hair not long enough, too talkative, too loud, too quiet, too outgoing, not outgoing enough, don't share enough interests in common,,, SO MANY WHAT IFS!! Those are the things that constantly go through my mind.. Constantly. I don't care if the first thing you say to me is, "My God, how beautiful you look tonight," I will think you are lying.

Sad to say it, but that is how our brains work. And it is a constant struggle to overcome it every single day.

Which brings up my next point: surprises.

While to some girls, they enjoy the thought of a surprise. They like the spontaneity of the whole thing. Surprise a girl with anxiety? Bad choice.

We need to be in control. We need to know where we are going, with who, what time, when we will be back, and what is happening. If we don't? Trouble in the waters ahead, cap'n! Just the other night, I had the guy I am "seeing" tell me he was going to surprise me. I tried to remain calm. I tried to tell myself to just let him do this. It was a sweet gesture, and I needed to enjoy it because he doesn't do that too often--be sweet that is.

Within 10 minutes I had to ask a bunch of questions. I couldn't handle it anymore. I needed to know if it was just going to be us, what time, where was I to meet him, should I bring anything? I got one response, but that wasn't good enough for me. I need to know more. The thought of not knowing what is going on, literally drives me insane. It makes my heart race, and I have adrenaline rushing. The worst part is, is that I should be so excited, but I can't wait for the night to be over so that I have some answers and some relief of what could be happening.

Basically, what I am saying, is that it is not easy to live with anxiety. It is not easy to live with our constant thoughts that we literally CANNOT shut off. Trust me, personally, if I could shut them off, I would. I would try to be "normal" for a day, but I don't see that happening. So next time you are dealing with someone who may have anxiety, remember that is just as hard for us to live with it, as it is for you--for us it is harder though. Deep breath and realize that we can't help it.

New Year, New Me, Same Old Bullshit

That title really doesn't give you much, but I promise that it won't be as mean as it sounds ;).

So it is coming to a close on the first day of 2016, so I thought I would recap 2015 in one post and what my "resolutions" are for the new year.

So, 2015 was an odd year. My brother was diagnosed with diabetes. I sat by his bedside for over a week while he learned how to take care of his new body. I did it differently than I feel most would: I did it with happiness. I made sure to take pictures of him getting blood taken, sitting in his bed all grumpy and me smilin (sounds mean, but it was to make him smile), taking his blood sugar unassisted, and when he gave himself his first shot of insulin. It was like when a child take their first steps, you need to document it. That is how I took that. He was learning who he will be for the rest of his life: a diabetic.

Life has changed, not only for him, but for the rest of us as well. We look at food differently. We think of accomadations for him when we can. We make sure that he isn't left out when we do things. We worry about him when he goes off to someplace. We make sure he is keeping up with this health and watching his numbers when he is healthy and when he is feeling under the weather. It is a HUGE change. But we are over coming it, one step at a time.

Along with that tiny set back, I have been watcing my parents fall apart. While my brother was in the hospital, my dad told my mom he was thinking of a seperation. So instead of being by my brother's bedside, my dad went off to Michigan for a work trip and my mom followed right behind. I hold a lot of anger towards them both for doing that, but I feel I hold more anger towards my mother that she would choose a MAN over her own FLESH AND BLOOD. Maybe it is the female in me, because my dad made the same choice, but instead of a man, he choose work.. Or money, over his son.

I can't say whether I blame my mother for leaving. I have done my fair share of stupid things for a man. But I am still not sure I would leave my child behind in a bed when he was really sick for a trip to another state. But that is in the past, nor was I in the position to say exactly what I would have done.

My brother and I both decided to go back to school; as if we didn't get enough of it the first time around. However, I really enjoy my school work and my classes that I have taken already. I like learning how kids work and how their minds work, as well. It's also nice to know that it won't take me 4 years to get another degree, and that I should have degree number 2 by 2017.

The last thing about 2015 is that I didn't lose the love of my life, like many people may think. However, I found the love of my life. CALM DOWN MOM!  I am talking about myself. ;) I gained so much confidence in 2015. It was the first time in a very long time that I wore a two piece. I found my love of lifting weights. I have gone to a gym without any pushing. I enjoy the workouts, I enjoy the results, and I enjoy seeing where I was and where I am now. While I may weigh more than I ever have in my life, I still have crazy confidence! And that is not about to change in 2016.


With that said, my resolutions for 2016 aren't like the usual ones.

I want to:
1. Dead lift twice my weight.
2. Be able to do 10 pull ups consecuitively.
3. Accomplish ONE hand stand pull up.
4. Do something I have never done before.
5. Work on my beachbody business; put more effort into it.
6. Wear a crop top and rock the shit out of it!
7. Bust my ass at work and save money!
8. Push out of some of my comfort zones and stop hiding in my house.
9. Try to cut down on my use of the word "fuck."
10. Try to make those around me smile or laugh at least once a day. Happiness if the key to a longer life.


It's a short list, but last year I had 15 things and only accomplished like 3 of them. So, short and sweet is the way to go!


I hope for all my readers that 2016 is a better year than 2015. I hope for health, wealth, and happiness for all! :D

Here we come 2016, we are ready to take you on!

It's my BIRTHDAY!!!!

As I sit here thinking about the past year of my life, I can't help but think of how blessed I am.

Last year when I turned 24, I sent myself into a panic. I was afraid to turn 24 but wasn't afraid of 25. Then, as the year went on, I became more and more afraid to turn 25. There is a lot of pressure in getting older. Everyone expects so much more of you.

You need to be sure of yourself, where you're going in life, who you want to be, where you want to end up, etc. All these questions that you couldn't answer the year before, you have to answer now.

But what if you don't know what you want to do, or who you want to be, or where you want to end up? Then panic sets in. But that's not fair. Why are we always rushing time? When kids are younger we want nothing more than time to slow down, so why as we get older are we forcing people to rush into life decisions that they aren't ready to make, or aren't sure of?

I was so afraid of 25, but the longer the day goes on, the more I feel like 25 won't be so bad. I feel like this may be my greatest year yet!

I am surrounded by a family that loves me and that I love. We've had our ups and downs, but we did it as a family, and we are even stronger because of it! I was told happy birthday right at midnight, I woke up to a note from my Pops, and my brother actually got me a birthday present. Life is great!

I cannot wait to see where 25 takes me, but wherever it is, I am ready to take it on full force!

WATCH OUT WORLD, HERE I COMMMEE!!

Lights, Camera, Action!

So tonight I got to thinking about makeup. I am babysitting my cousins kids and was going over in my head if I had brought everything with me. As I was thinking about my makeup, I couldn't remember if I had grabbed my foundation or not. Then I was like, no one will see me tomorrow, so if I did, what of it?

Then I got to thinking about makeup. I can only speak for myself, but as a single female, I realized that unless I am seeing someone or have the potential to see someone I may be interested in, then there is no point in doing my makeup to begin with.

It doesn't matter if I haven't left my house all day and I am running to Sheetz to get gas, there will be makeup on my face. Because the first time I forget to put on makeup, that would be the time I would see the guy I am crushing on.

But why is that fair? It's not like guys are thinking, "oh man, might see a hottie at the store, better use my good smelling stuff!" Like, no. They're not doing that. So why do we find it necessary to do it?

Now, I am growing more and more confident in who I am and what I look like as a person without all my clown makeup on, but I just can't get over the fact that I have to walk out of my house without makeup on and someone might see me.

I know eventually, we will live in a world where females fall asleep and wake up with their makeup perfect. But honestly, I don't want to be one of those people!! So ladies, this is to you.

You are beautiful. You are amazing. You look just as good with makeup, as you do without makeup! And don't let anyone tell you otherwise!