Tonight, a light bulb finally went on in my head about someone that I have been seeing since September of 2013. It took that long because I was blind by so many things. I always try to see the good in people, no matter how rotten they may seem on the core. I guess that's what I did with this guy and just kept reminding myself of that and nothing else.
As I was showering, I got to thinking, "was I in an abusive relationship?" Now before anyone freaks out, no he never hit me.. I did hit him once. Well, I pushed him into my closet.. Now looking back, I should have punched him in his face, but you live and learn. Anyway, the answer to that question is, "YES!".. I was in an abusive relationship. While he didn't hit me, he did however emotionally abuse me. Every chance that he got, he was somehow downgrading me. The best part was that I didn't always see it until later.
"You should wear your hair down, you're prettier that way."
"You should dye your hair dark brown, because you look better that way."
"You should dress this way or that way because it'll make me more attracted to you."
The best ones though really dug deep.
"I can't make you my girlfriend in case someone better comes along."
That has to be my favorite line from him. It came early on in our relationship, but yet I stuck around.
Background:
-He had a job when we first got together.
-He lost said job because he was accused of abusing a resident.
-He was sleeping in his garage which had no shower or heat.
-He then got an apartment which he was later evicted from.
-He got a job and then quit it because he didn't want to work anymore.
I always paid. For everything. Movies. Dinner. His friends food. Groceries. Gas, for him and I both. Lent him money for car parts. I probably spent damn near 3,500 dollars in the last year and odd months on him and shit for him. How pathetic?... Yes, I know, I'm stupid.
So as I was thinking about my new found information of how I was in an abusive relationship, I also got to thinking of something else. Now here is the kicker. WHY DO I FEEL LIKE THIS IS MY FAULT?! I couldn't help but wonder and think, "what did I do to deserve this? What did I do to deserve to be treated this way?" And honestly, I didn't do anything, that was the problem. Because I stayed around, I got treated this way. So while I would love to blame myself, I know that is not the case.
He would say things that would suck me right back in. He wasn't stupid. Shit, he tried it today. He knows what to say to me to get me to come crawling back. But enough was enough. When someone tells you something in confidence that is super personal and then you try to through it back in their face on a social media site, get the fuck outta here bro!..
Why do boys, yes boys, do this to us? Why are we so stupid that we feel the need to stay around and deal with this? There are SO MANY nice guys out there that know how to treat a lady and actually want to treat her with respect that she deserves.
This is my public statement that I will no longer put up with his bullshit. Not that he has a choice, since he's blocked from all areas of my life, but still. I won't ever let another guy talk to me like that. If he does, I know I will look back at this and learn from my mistakes and find someone else. Because funny story ladies, there are TONS of men out there.. Half the population is men, to be exact. So no more, ever again. This is my vow.
