So i have been mulling over whether or not I do this post, mostly because I am not sure that I am 100% able to talk about it. But I am about to give it a go! So leggo, boo!
Dating with anxiety is honestly the hardest thing EVER. Don't believe me? I didn't think that you would, unless you can relate.
It is a constant battle of whether or not you are good enough both physically and mentally, and then add your emotions in there, you are SCREWED! It is the hardest thing ever.
One second, we could be making plans to hang out, even if it is that day or for a few days from the date of talking, and then the next second it could be over. Just. Like. That.
If I sense even a tiny, tiny bit of anything but assurance, I am out of there. If I feel for one second you don't want to see me or spend time with me, I will find any excuse that I can to not hang out with you. I don't care if you just told me that you want to see me, tell me again, and then tell me 50 more times until we hang out.
In my mind, I am always thinking the worse. What if I am not tall enough, thin enough, pretty enough, hair not long enough, too talkative, too loud, too quiet, too outgoing, not outgoing enough, don't share enough interests in common,,, SO MANY WHAT IFS!! Those are the things that constantly go through my mind.. Constantly. I don't care if the first thing you say to me is, "My God, how beautiful you look tonight," I will think you are lying.
Sad to say it, but that is how our brains work. And it is a constant struggle to overcome it every single day.
Which brings up my next point: surprises.
While to some girls, they enjoy the thought of a surprise. They like the spontaneity of the whole thing. Surprise a girl with anxiety? Bad choice.
We need to be in control. We need to know where we are going, with who, what time, when we will be back, and what is happening. If we don't? Trouble in the waters ahead, cap'n! Just the other night, I had the guy I am "seeing" tell me he was going to surprise me. I tried to remain calm. I tried to tell myself to just let him do this. It was a sweet gesture, and I needed to enjoy it because he doesn't do that too often--be sweet that is.
Within 10 minutes I had to ask a bunch of questions. I couldn't handle it anymore. I needed to know if it was just going to be us, what time, where was I to meet him, should I bring anything? I got one response, but that wasn't good enough for me. I need to know more. The thought of not knowing what is going on, literally drives me insane. It makes my heart race, and I have adrenaline rushing. The worst part is, is that I should be so excited, but I can't wait for the night to be over so that I have some answers and some relief of what could be happening.
Basically, what I am saying, is that it is not easy to live with anxiety. It is not easy to live with our constant thoughts that we literally CANNOT shut off. Trust me, personally, if I could shut them off, I would. I would try to be "normal" for a day, but I don't see that happening. So next time you are dealing with someone who may have anxiety, remember that is just as hard for us to live with it, as it is for you--for us it is harder though. Deep breath and realize that we can't help it.
Monday, January 11, 2016
Friday, January 1, 2016
New Year, New Me, Same Old Bullshit
That title really doesn't give you much, but I promise that it won't be as mean as it sounds ;).
So it is coming to a close on the first day of 2016, so I thought I would recap 2015 in one post and what my "resolutions" are for the new year.
So, 2015 was an odd year. My brother was diagnosed with diabetes. I sat by his bedside for over a week while he learned how to take care of his new body. I did it differently than I feel most would: I did it with happiness. I made sure to take pictures of him getting blood taken, sitting in his bed all grumpy and me smilin (sounds mean, but it was to make him smile), taking his blood sugar unassisted, and when he gave himself his first shot of insulin. It was like when a child take their first steps, you need to document it. That is how I took that. He was learning who he will be for the rest of his life: a diabetic.
Life has changed, not only for him, but for the rest of us as well. We look at food differently. We think of accomadations for him when we can. We make sure that he isn't left out when we do things. We worry about him when he goes off to someplace. We make sure he is keeping up with this health and watching his numbers when he is healthy and when he is feeling under the weather. It is a HUGE change. But we are over coming it, one step at a time.
Along with that tiny set back, I have been watcing my parents fall apart. While my brother was in the hospital, my dad told my mom he was thinking of a seperation. So instead of being by my brother's bedside, my dad went off to Michigan for a work trip and my mom followed right behind. I hold a lot of anger towards them both for doing that, but I feel I hold more anger towards my mother that she would choose a MAN over her own FLESH AND BLOOD. Maybe it is the female in me, because my dad made the same choice, but instead of a man, he choose work.. Or money, over his son.
I can't say whether I blame my mother for leaving. I have done my fair share of stupid things for a man. But I am still not sure I would leave my child behind in a bed when he was really sick for a trip to another state. But that is in the past, nor was I in the position to say exactly what I would have done.
My brother and I both decided to go back to school; as if we didn't get enough of it the first time around. However, I really enjoy my school work and my classes that I have taken already. I like learning how kids work and how their minds work, as well. It's also nice to know that it won't take me 4 years to get another degree, and that I should have degree number 2 by 2017.
The last thing about 2015 is that I didn't lose the love of my life, like many people may think. However, I found the love of my life. CALM DOWN MOM! I am talking about myself. ;) I gained so much confidence in 2015. It was the first time in a very long time that I wore a two piece. I found my love of lifting weights. I have gone to a gym without any pushing. I enjoy the workouts, I enjoy the results, and I enjoy seeing where I was and where I am now. While I may weigh more than I ever have in my life, I still have crazy confidence! And that is not about to change in 2016.
With that said, my resolutions for 2016 aren't like the usual ones.
I want to:
1. Dead lift twice my weight.
2. Be able to do 10 pull ups consecuitively.
3. Accomplish ONE hand stand pull up.
4. Do something I have never done before.
5. Work on my beachbody business; put more effort into it.
6. Wear a crop top and rock the shit out of it!
7. Bust my ass at work and save money!
8. Push out of some of my comfort zones and stop hiding in my house.
9. Try to cut down on my use of the word "fuck."
10. Try to make those around me smile or laugh at least once a day. Happiness if the key to a longer life.
It's a short list, but last year I had 15 things and only accomplished like 3 of them. So, short and sweet is the way to go!
I hope for all my readers that 2016 is a better year than 2015. I hope for health, wealth, and happiness for all! :D
Here we come 2016, we are ready to take you on!
So it is coming to a close on the first day of 2016, so I thought I would recap 2015 in one post and what my "resolutions" are for the new year.
So, 2015 was an odd year. My brother was diagnosed with diabetes. I sat by his bedside for over a week while he learned how to take care of his new body. I did it differently than I feel most would: I did it with happiness. I made sure to take pictures of him getting blood taken, sitting in his bed all grumpy and me smilin (sounds mean, but it was to make him smile), taking his blood sugar unassisted, and when he gave himself his first shot of insulin. It was like when a child take their first steps, you need to document it. That is how I took that. He was learning who he will be for the rest of his life: a diabetic.
Life has changed, not only for him, but for the rest of us as well. We look at food differently. We think of accomadations for him when we can. We make sure that he isn't left out when we do things. We worry about him when he goes off to someplace. We make sure he is keeping up with this health and watching his numbers when he is healthy and when he is feeling under the weather. It is a HUGE change. But we are over coming it, one step at a time.
Along with that tiny set back, I have been watcing my parents fall apart. While my brother was in the hospital, my dad told my mom he was thinking of a seperation. So instead of being by my brother's bedside, my dad went off to Michigan for a work trip and my mom followed right behind. I hold a lot of anger towards them both for doing that, but I feel I hold more anger towards my mother that she would choose a MAN over her own FLESH AND BLOOD. Maybe it is the female in me, because my dad made the same choice, but instead of a man, he choose work.. Or money, over his son.
I can't say whether I blame my mother for leaving. I have done my fair share of stupid things for a man. But I am still not sure I would leave my child behind in a bed when he was really sick for a trip to another state. But that is in the past, nor was I in the position to say exactly what I would have done.
My brother and I both decided to go back to school; as if we didn't get enough of it the first time around. However, I really enjoy my school work and my classes that I have taken already. I like learning how kids work and how their minds work, as well. It's also nice to know that it won't take me 4 years to get another degree, and that I should have degree number 2 by 2017.
The last thing about 2015 is that I didn't lose the love of my life, like many people may think. However, I found the love of my life. CALM DOWN MOM! I am talking about myself. ;) I gained so much confidence in 2015. It was the first time in a very long time that I wore a two piece. I found my love of lifting weights. I have gone to a gym without any pushing. I enjoy the workouts, I enjoy the results, and I enjoy seeing where I was and where I am now. While I may weigh more than I ever have in my life, I still have crazy confidence! And that is not about to change in 2016.
With that said, my resolutions for 2016 aren't like the usual ones.
I want to:
1. Dead lift twice my weight.
2. Be able to do 10 pull ups consecuitively.
3. Accomplish ONE hand stand pull up.
4. Do something I have never done before.
5. Work on my beachbody business; put more effort into it.
6. Wear a crop top and rock the shit out of it!
7. Bust my ass at work and save money!
8. Push out of some of my comfort zones and stop hiding in my house.
9. Try to cut down on my use of the word "fuck."
10. Try to make those around me smile or laugh at least once a day. Happiness if the key to a longer life.
It's a short list, but last year I had 15 things and only accomplished like 3 of them. So, short and sweet is the way to go!
I hope for all my readers that 2016 is a better year than 2015. I hope for health, wealth, and happiness for all! :D
Here we come 2016, we are ready to take you on!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)