You think you know..

So as we get older, we start to realize that things we once believed, are no longer true. I thought I had felt love before. I thought I had been loved before. Now, after some recent circumstances, I have come to realize that I have never truly been loved before, but I have experienced true love at it's finest (or worst, I guess it depends on the day).

It was three years ago that I started work at my current job. I started out as a greeter and was told that I would make an excellent server and should switch departments; that is exactly what I did 6 months later. After about a few months of being a server, I was stripped of my "Hi I'm new and I'm learning" name tag, and was given an "adult" name tag. That is when the managers think that you can handle the whole restaurant by yourself. Okay, not the whole restaurant, but it sure feels that way.

On this day, it was the first Sunday that I had worked, and I was put in section 1. To you as a reader, that may mean nothing, but to those who know where I work, or may work with, know that section 1 on a Sunday can be a death sentence for some. When I came on the floor, most of the other sections were full, and there I was with a section of  8 open tables... I was terrified. Table after table was being sat in my section, and me being who I am, I tried to take it all on my own.

After about a few hours of this, I cracked. I had a man get in my face and couldn't handle the pressure of having three tables waiting to be taken care of. I walked into the kitchen, threw my tray, proceeded to storm into the break room where I then let the tears fall from my face. After collecting myself and told that I could do it and that the others would help me if need be, I came back out, with my big girl pants on, and put on a face. I somehow managed to make it through the rest of my shift, and went home.

That evening is when everything changed. I got on Facebook, more than likely to vent, and saw that I had a friend request. I clicked it and saw that it was from him. For safety purposes I will name him as "Fred". I proceeded to add Fred where then he messaged me and we continued to talk all night long. It was into the early morning hours when we then decided it may be necessary for us to sleep. That night, instead of going to bed upset about my work day, I went to bed smiling because of this boy talking to me.

From that night on, we continued to talk on and off until we were talking every single day. Whether we were working together, messaging on Facebook, or having a text war, we were talking.. What about? Anything and everything! There wasn't anything that we didn't cover. It was unreal how comfortable we were with each other, and it didn't talk long for the rumors to start to fly.

We started to hang out after work more, and that was when the rumors really started to fly. We would sit in the parking lot for hours after our shifts and sit in his car listening to music and talking. Many times we were checked in on because people thought we were hooking up. Both of us never really saw it at first, but now looking back, I'm sure it looked wrong; however, we were both always in relationships, either at the same time, or one of us always was. We quickly became best friends.

Two years later, after turning 21 on my part, I started to realize how I truly felt. Not only did I see it, but those that we worked with noticed how our friendship changed; we were falling in love without even realizing it. One night, while out at the bar with friends, I sent Fred a message. He was always the one that I would text while drinking, many times to ask to make me eggs (best drunk food ever!) This would happen time and time again until one night..

On this night, I let my drunk self do all the talking. Drunk Jordan proceeded to tell Fred that she really liked him and that she was jealous that he had a girlfriend. Now, not only did this happen once, but it happened quite a few times. Eventually, Fred would tell Drunk Jordan that he too had feelings for her, but there was nothing that either of them could do because Fred was in a relationship. So of course, Drunk Jordan shut her mouth and realized that what she was doing was wrong, and let it go.

Then a time came when Fred was telling me that his relationship was falling apart, and if there was anytime to be together, the time would be now. So we both hung out during Thanksgiving break and we decided that when Fred got back to DuBois at the end of the semester that we would start dating. Fred went back to school, broke up with his girlfriend, and I became happier than ever. My time was now. Our time was now! The semester ended, and within a few days of being back, we were together!

We only had a few weeks together before I started back to school because I transferred schools and started three weeks before any school. We hung out constantly, and within a few weeks we were telling each other how much we loved one another. I mean, it was three years coming at this point! Eventually Fred had to go back to school but somehow we made it work. I would go to visit and he would come home and stay with me.

After a few months, we started to plan our lives together. We had never felt this way before about someone; like I have said, we had three years to get to know each other and fall in love, and that is EXACTLY what we did. We had planned that after graduation, Fred would take the summer job in Ohio, and when I graduated in the Fall of 2013 that I would move out to Ohio and we would get a place together because Fred was also offered a job following the summer job there. We even had a binder full of apartments, stuff we would need for our place, fun things to do in the different towns, and we had also talked about planning a wedding together.

We had it all. We had love. We had a friendship. We had a future.... Then one day, being a female, I got this horrible feeling in the lowest part of my heart. After only being in Ohio for a week, Fred changed. We went from talking every single day, to barely talking at all. We would go to bed mad, we would go to bed without saying goodnight, we would go to bed without saying "I love you"... Things that Fred hated, he was doing anyway and letting happen. He was pushing, and pushing hard.

One Saturday night, I got the balls to ask Fred if he was cheating on me. Instead of assuring me that he was not and that I was all he could ever want and more (which is what a girl truly needs to hear during a time like that) he turned the argument around. I was ridiculous to think that and that he couldn't believe I didn't trust him. We went to bed mad that night. The next morning, that is the day that it all changed.

I woke up, and went to work like usual. I had waited until about noon before I even sent him a message. I asked if he was going to wake up so we could talk and immediately he went into it. We had based our relationships, both our friendship and romantic one, off of having an open communication; there wasn't anything we didn't talk about, no matter what it was. That was just who we were, people who enjoyed talking and talking problems out to find a solution that fit the needs of he and I. That day was different. There was no talking, it was me asking if he was going to wake up and him proceeding to tell me that I didn't trust him, no relationship can survive without trust, and that he was breaking up with me.

Here's the real kicker. He didn't even try. I begged, I pleaded, I cried, I tried it all. Nothing was working. There was no talking on his end. I promised that all I needed was a weekend with him, to see what he was doing, to be assured we were fine.. I couldn't have it. I had no idea who I was talking to. I think it was a robot, but there was no way to be sure. The end had happened, and it had happened over text messages and a phone call, with no emotion on his end.

The weeks to follow were horrible. I had to go back to work, to the place where we met, where we fell in love, with people who had watched that happen, with people who knew how perfect we were together, and act like my life wasn't falling apart. For two weeks straight I cried myself to sleep, if I even fell asleep at all. After those two weeks, I felt nothing. I was numb to every single thing in my life. I had never felt a true heart break before, until this happened.

I fell in love. Shit happens. But when you get to know someone, and truly understand who they are, to come to find out that who you thought they were is nothing like the person they truly are, that's when it gets you. I believe it was two and a half weeks later that Fred got a new girlfriend, and all my suspicions came out. I woke up to a text message asking if I had been on Facebook yet. I knew what was coming, I didn't have to get on Facebook. And at this point, I had ruined everything, and was blocked from Facebook, Twitter, and text messages to Fred, so I couldn't even get on my own site to see it. I immediately ran down stairs and got on my mother's Facebook. Right there, in black and white, at the top of her feed, Fred is in a relationship.

The weeks after that, were again hard, but I realized that if he could do this to me, he would do it to her. Of course, I had the best of friends there to hug me, hold me, comfort me, assure me, check on me, when I didn't even want to talk to anyone at all. Honestly, if it weren't for them, there is no reassurance that I would still be here. I would have just ran away from my life and my problems.

A couple nights ago I was thinking about where I am now, and I realized that I had experienced what I had thought was heart break before, but this took the cake. I was truly, madly, and deeply in love with Fred, and that he was truly my first love. I had never known love before until him, so as much as I want to hate him for breaking me again, for tearing me down, for breaking promises, I can't hate him. He showed me love, and true love at that.

I don't wish him the best in his life, because to be honest, I don't believe he deserves it, but I just hope that he can find love like I found in him. I know I will find love again, and when I do, I will fight just as hard for that relationship as I did for Fred's and my relationship.