Life has always been compared to a recipe. It's a little of this, a dash of that, bake at a billion degrees and WHAM-O!!, your life in a nut shell. But that's not an off way to describe life sometimes. Or better yet, how I feel sometimes.
I recently graduate college. Yay me right? WRONG. It's almost been two months. I have applied to two hand-fulls of jobs, and have only received ONE rejection letter. How hard is it to write me and be like, "Hey.. Yeah.. Sorry about your luck, but you suck. And we dun want you. So, yeah, bye!".. Like really? Not that hard. It's really a killer to my mo-jo and to my life.
I have always had this underlying fear of never being good enough. It ruins just about every aspect of my life. Family life. Boyfriend life. Friend life. I don't like to feel like I let people down, which I am prone to do anyway, so I should be used to it right?
Okay, back to the recipe analogy of my shit life, mmkay? Okay. So here is my life:
5 LARGE handfuls of disappointment
3 scoops of emotions
1 job rejection
2 weeks of an amazing job
4 years of a shitty job
1 unstable boy
30,000+dollars worth of debt
2 hours of happiness
Mix all ingredients together. Mix well. Very well. Blend that shit. Throw it into an oven at 500 degrees. Bake for 23 years and TA-FUCKING-DA! My wonderful, silly, crazy, amazing.... yeah, I can't even fake it in writing. What is this shit?
I honestly think that it is this summer. I hate it. It's sunny, sort of. Well, not really ever sunny. It's always raining, always. It's my first summer in two years that I am not taking summer classes. All I have left is work... At my dead end job.. Six days a week.. Waiting tables.. Faking a smiling to worthless assholes who don't know how to tip.. Ugh, the struggle. So that means that I really have nothing. On my days off, I stay in my room. Hide I guess. And do nothing. I had so many ideas about this summer. It was finally freedom. I was finally going to be able to do the things I wanted to without trying to plan it into my day and around the hours of homework I was to have. Yeah, again wrong. No fishing every day. No swimming. No horseback riding. No cliff jumping. No camping. No sitting around a fire and getting drunk. None. Nothing. Zip. Zero. Nada. I don't see it happening. So then I sit and eat and watch tv. Which I then in turn gain weight. Which then makes me depressed. Which, ta-da, brings us to where we are. In a puddle of disappointment.
I kept trying to tell myself that not having an "actual" job was a blessing in disguise. That I would be able to do whatever I wanted because my job is so flexible with my days I can and cannot work... But that appears to not matter. I am not doing anything anyway. I feel like I am walking down the road of life.. I can see the end. And what do you know. There's a cul-de-sac. DEAD FUCKING END.
Seriously. I blame this on the rain. I need the sun. I need warmth. I need that vitamin D. I need the SAD to goooooooooooooooooo awaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy. Over it. O-V-E-R it.
I think that's enough ranting and raving. Until we meet again.. Or until I ramble again.
